Joy Wizard » Personal Development

Have You Overcome What Your Parents Did To You? (Poor Parenting)

Alex Webley — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 04:33:46 +0000

Poor parenting is a serious problem today.

Parents have a huge responsibility.

Much bigger than many realise.

Have a read of this article:

So are YOU posher than your parents? The key to social mobility is having a devoted and determined family

It’s an interesting, moving and thought-provoking story. At the end, the author writes:

I had a lump in my throat as I thought to myself that my dear dad should never thank me for anything. He and my mum — who sadly passed away last year following a battle with Alzheimer’s — sacrificed everything to enable me to go out, make money and enjoy the finer things in life.

And they taught me, too, the three things a child needs to make a success of their life: Love, encouragement and an unbreakable work ethic.

I want to home in on this: “three things a child needs to make a success of their life: Love, encouragement and an unbreakable work ethic.”

In my case, both my parents had a good work ethic, which I also have. Neither of them loved me however and both actively discouraged me. My wife, who has met both of them, says that she doesn’t think my parents ever loved me, based on HER independent observations of their behavior. Personally, I have no doubt that both my parents hated/hate me.

All that said, I am very fortunate to have had such ghastly parents & received poor parenting!

This is because I overcame what they did to me, took responsibility for fixing myself and got healing for my mental illness (which was caused by what happened to me as a kid, including poor parenting).

I know a deep peace & joy now, and having observed many people with a good start in life, have realised that I am much better off inside than even them. The only area I am still catching up on is the financial damage which partly resulted from many years struggling with mental health issues. Without such awful parents I would never have discovered what I know today – I am thus grateful for my parents.

Unfortunately, most people who have such a bad start in life suffer terrible life outcomes. I nearly did too.

Today I help others who had a similar poor parenting experience. As I have been there and done it myself, I have experience and understanding that you cannot learn from a book, class, lecture or buy with money.

If you want help with issues that stem from poor parenting, contact me here.

What kind of parent are you?

Do you have concerns about your parenting style. Perhaps you need some parenting advice, or parenting tips? Perhaps you mean well but make too many mistakes and want to improve your parenting skill? If so, get in touch and get help. Besides the obvious benefits, you will learn things which will help you in other areas of your life also.

“No success in public life can compensate for failure in the home” – Benjamin Disraeli

You may have noticed that generally, people find few true, genuine friends or people in life. Down the years I found few who really cared and/or helped. I am grateful for those that did and for those that didn’t (the latter helped me become stronger).

I am especially grateful to these kind souls:

Jean & Wilf – my paternal grandparents.

Trevor – Wilf’s brother.

RSM Potter.

Mr Osborne.

Grace Hayward.

Val Beale.

Sarah B.

Dr Joy Harrison M.D.

Carol Wright.

Colonel Terry P.

Martin Jones.

WO2 Day.

Patricia Fast.

Rosamond H.

Pete Middlemas – RMCdo.

Kevin & Fiona Cruickshank.

Peter Booth.

Have You Overcome What Your Parents Did To You? (Poor Parenting) is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Are You Worried About The Size Of Your Penis?

Alex Webley — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 13:43:28 +0000

Are You Worried About The Size Of Your Penis?

Many men are worried about their penis size. In many cases, their concerns are never aired; especially not in public.

Well, I have some good news for you!

Check out this article:

Yes, men really can make it longer – study

Now, I am going to ignore the main thrust of this article (making it longer). What I want to concentrate on is the scientific research and key data about the true average penis size.

Many men worry about the length of their member. This can result in serious psychological problems in some cases. Men worry about whether they have normal penis size, whether they should try to enlarge penis size and many other things.

Data in the article draws upon medical studies and is based upon a study published this week in the Journal of the British Association of Urological Surgeons. In other words; the data will be accurate. How hard is it to measure a willy anyway and these ‘guys’ will have had the dubious ‘privilege’ of measuring many willies.

I quote: “A male member – measured on the upper side – can be considered normal in length if it is at least four centimetres when limp, and 7.5 centimetres when rigid, noted several of the studies evaluated.”

The facts then, should be helpful to many men who are concerned they are too small……

….. unfortunately not, because for some of them; their concerns are likely to be so deeply rooted in the subconscious that the head knowledge is likely to be of little use to them. (I know some of you are laughing about my choice of words).

If you find that despite reading the article and learning the facts that you still have concerns about your penis size, then it suggests that you have some deeper subconscious issue which needs attention. I can help you (with your mind that is). Contact me here.

Are You Worried About The Size Of Your Penis? is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Get ahead of the news. Get the news coming to you.

Alex Webley — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 11:54:55 +0000

Many people have wondered how I can have such an interesting Twitter stream. Others have enquired as to how I manage to manage it time-wise.

The answer is that, as with all areas of my life, I aim to build and use efficient systems.

In the case of news/information I make sure that I get as much as possible coming to me. In other words, I do not have to spend much time looking for it.

There are a number of ways to get information coming to you and here is one:

Newswise is where journalists choose, connect, and use smart news.

Newswise Latest News

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:15:00 +0000: US Treasuries Could Prove a Safe Haven in Euro Debt Crisis - Newswise: Latest News
Murillo Campello, professor of finance at Cornell University's Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management, and keynote speaker at the recent European Central Bankers meeting in France, comments on the impact of the European debt crisis.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:10:00 +0000: ORNL Explores Proteins in Yellowstone Bacteria for Biofuel Inspiration - Newswise: Latest News
Studies of bacteria first found in Yellowstone's hot springs are furthering efforts at the Department of Energy's BioEnergy Science Center toward commercially viable ethanol production from crops such as switchgrass.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:00:00 +0000: All Heart: UCLA Docs Guide Mom with Heart Condition Through Birth, Operate on Newborn - Newswise: Latest News
An expecting mother with heart disease is warned the pregnancy is too dangerous, but a team of UCLA specialists guide her through pregnancy, birth and risky open heart surgery on her newborn baby.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:35:00 +0000: Trial Tests Heart Attack Drug in Field - Newswise: Latest News
Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) is the leading cause of death in the United States. This form of heart attack kills 325,000 people every year, representing one death every two minutes. Almost all SCA victims die before they even reach a hospital. To identify a drug that paramedics can use in the field, UC San Diego Health System has opened a clinical trial to evaluate two medications to help restore the heart beat.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:30:00 +0000: New Compound May Help Battle Superbugs - Newswise: Latest News
North Carolina State University chemists have created a compound that makes existing antibiotics 16 times more effective against recently discovered antibiotic-resistant "superbugs."
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:30:00 +0000: UC Committee Announces Flat World Knowledge as Publisher for New E-Text Adoption Plan - Newswise: Latest News
The selection follows a series of demonstrations from publishers as part of an initiative to reduce textbook costs and improve student learning.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:20:00 +0000: Noncoding RNAs Alter Yeast Phenotypes in a Site-Specific Manner - Newswise: Latest News
A team of scientists from Whitehead Institute and other institutions has shown for the first time how two long intergenic noncoding RNAs (ncRNAs) in brewer's yeast (Saccharomyces cerevisiae) contribute to a location-dependent switch for the yeast FLO11 gene to toggle between active and inactive states. The mechanism of the FLO11 switch is one of only a handful that have been characterized in detail, and will serve as a model for how other ncRNAs operate.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:20:00 +0000: Ovarian Cancer Subtype May Be Vulnerable to Anti-Angiogenic Drugs - Newswise: Latest News
Dana-Farber Cancer Institute researchers have identified a subtype of ovarian cancer able to build its own blood vessels, suggesting that such tumors might be susceptible to anti-angiogenic drugs. The investigators estimate that the subtype may account for a third of all serous ovarian cancers.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:00:00 +0000: Jefferson Heart Attack Patient Embraces Second Chance - Newswise: Latest News
After he failed to heed the first big warning about his heart, John Magri was lucky to survive the second. Magri's first heart attack at age 46 didn't faze him much. He didn't follow his doctor's orders to start to eat a healthier and to quit smoking. Moreover, the South Jersey-man took his medication, a blood thinner necessary to prevent the coronary stent he got after the first heart attack from becoming blocked, only sporadically. A second heart attack in January - just a year and a half after the first - got Magri's attention. He is lucky to be alive and knows it.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:00:00 +0000: Lighting Research Center at Rensselaer To Host International Symposium on the Science and Technology of Lighting - Newswise: Latest News
The 13th International Symposium on the Science and Technology of Lighting (LS13) -- an elite forum of scientists and engineers sharing the most recent research and development in the science and technology of light sources, lighting systems, and their key application fields -- will take place June 24-29 at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:55:00 +0000: Allergist Available to Discuss Early Spring Allergy Season - Newswise: Latest News
Dr. Fineman is available to discuss how the warmer than usual winter season is affecting spring allergy sufferers. Is this happening just in southern states or throughout the country? Will the season last longer this year? When should you start taking your allergy medication? What can you do to find relief?
Tue, 14 Feb 2012 18:30:00 +0000: South Jersey Family of Pediatricians Supports Cooper Medical School of Rowan University - Newswise: Latest News
Four members of the South Jersey-based Schlitt family of physicians, who have dedicated their careers to caring for children in the region, have committed $300,000 to assist students and faculty at Cooper Medical School of Rowan University (CMSRU).

No Related Posts

Get ahead of the news. Get the news coming to you. is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

It is time we all use our whole brains.

Alex Webley — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 07:50:44 +0000

“Ancient mystics and medicine people are likely to have been right-brain dominant. Scientists and intellectuals tend to be left-brain dominant. Faced with the challenge of healing ourselves and the Earth, it is time we all use our whole brains. When we utilize both intuition & intellect, an evolutionary process can occur.” Deborah Lee

Very true indeed.

The use of both is critical in my view (and normal to me).

This was not always the case for me, so it is possible to go from being strong left brain to strong left AND right with balance.

I know, because it happened to me.

In my early life, the right brain stuff was suppressed by parental abuse and neglect.

It is time we all use our whole brains. is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Transform Your Marriage With 3 Keys

Alex Webley — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 08:30:54 +0000

Transform Your Marriage With 3 Keys

Recognizing you have a marriage problem is the first step along the road to transforming your marriage, and for most couples simply acknowledging there is a problem shatters the marriage myth. According to love stories, movies, and fairytales we are supposed to live ‘happily ever after’. But what happens when Snow White develops a drinking problem? What happens when Robin Hood’s long working hours start affecting his marriage to Maid Marian? What happens when Cinderella says she has ‘fallen out of love’?

We are taught in school how to do sums, how to read and recognize Shakespeare, and how to conduct scientific experiments, but what do we really know about the greatest social experiment of all, namely our ability to keep the love alive in our marriage?

If you can’t wait a moment longer, check out Save My Marriage Today for answers:

http://joywizardrecommends.com/SaveMyMarriageToday

The fact is we know surprisingly little, and from the moment we say “I do,” we are literally flying by the seat of our pants. We don’t get a manual or a textbook telling us how to get it right, so our marriage becomes an evolving set of experiments, learning and discovering more and more about ourselves and each other, and figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Some say if we don’t make mistakes we don’t really learn, but what do those mistakes cost us, and is the cost too high for some couples?

That’s why I have 3 ways to instantly transform your marriage. These are 3 things that you know will work and will help you get your marriage back on track. Let’s call this your error-free way to redeem yourself and your marriage in the eyes of your partner and show them that you are committed to making positive changes in your marriage.

The first key to transforming your marriage is to stop looking at your issues on a case-by-case basis. Couples that try to solve arguments by going into the small details of every argument are never really going to deal with the big stuff. I’m talking about the issues that REALLY matter in your marriage, and the issues that keep coming up in every disagreement.

Spend too much time at work? Partner feeling unappreciated? Don’t make love as much as you used to? Either of you feeling unfulfilled by your lifestyle or the relationship? Is the communication poor in your relationship? Does your need to always be right override the feelings of your partner? Spend less time worrying about the details and more time examining the issues and themes behind your arguments.

* The issue is your job. The theme behind this may be balance between work and home life.
* The issue is you not doing enough chores. The theme behind may be that you are being invited into making a greater contribution into coupledom.
* The issue is your partner being grumpy with you all the time. The theme is your partner needing to feel validated in the relationship

If you have a greater understanding of what the key themes are behind your marriage issues you are better able to develop effective solutions that will really make a difference.

The second key to transforming your relationship is to examine your beliefs about marriage. It’s okay to not have the fairytale marriage. Even the best couples don’t always get it right. But what makes the imperfections good or bad is how you choose as a couple to deal with it. When you disagree about something, do you sit down and talk about it, or is your first instinct to deny that there is a problem and hope that it will all go away?

You need to understand that it is okay to be imperfect. In fact, admitting this to yourself and your partner can be one of the most liberating actions you take in transforming your marriage. Admitting your imperfections exposes a vulnerability that can bring you closer together as you find ways to get some meaning out of your issues. Acknowledging that you do make mistakes can open the door to acknowledging that there is a better way to do things, and one of the lessons we are called into as a couple is finding that solution together. Make a list of things that you have learnt since you got married, and a list of areas that you as a couple can both improve on. Then try sharing that list with your partner and ask them to contribute their thoughts.

To fast track your improvements, go to:

http://joywizardrecommends.com/SaveMyMarriageToday

The third key to transforming your relationship is in recognizing the differences between men and women, and acknowledging the importance of both roles in the relationship. Just because your partner views something different to you doesn’t make them wrong, and the same goes for you. There are often several interpretations of the truth, and the key to marriage success is in recognizing that women and men have key fundamental differences in the way they view things. For men, their view may be a much more task-oriented approach to fixing an issue, where a woman may focus more on the emotional process as you both navigate your way through marriage issues. While both approaches are different, with compromise they can both achieve the same result.

Write down 5 themes or issues. Then I want you to write down 5 task-oriented ways of trying to solve the situation. Then list 5 thoughts-based ways of communicating your way to a solution.

The first step to transforming your marriage is in transforming YOU. Being married can be scary enough, but having marriage problems and not knowing how to fix them can be paralyzing! All it takes is the ability to step outside your day-to-day issues and look at different ways of viewing your marriage. Every marriage problem invites you into growing and offers you and your partner the opportunity to learn.

Now it’s up to you to take what you have learned and apply it to YOUR marriage. You too can have a fairytale marriage!

********************

This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today Premium Home Study Course.

You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your marriage recovery! The Save My Marriage Today! Premium Home Study Course has helped fastrack the turnaround of thousands of marriages and is guaranteed to deliver you real and measurable results or your money back.

You are the best person to save your marriage, and with the tools and techniques in the Save My Marriage Today Premium Home Study Course you really can. There is so much packed into this course, you and your partner are going to be able to communicate like you never have before! You have to learn what it takes to save your marriage. Get the whole package that gives you REAL answers and REAL results … guaranteed.

You have to go to http://joywizardrecommends.com/SaveMyMarriageTodayPremium and transform your marriage today.

Because the key to your marriage success is in your hands!

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Transform Your Marriage With 3 Keys is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Alligators nipping at your ass? How to hang in there & enjoy the ride.

Alex Webley — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 10:13:18 +0000

Bob’s company: http://joywizardrecommends.com/GoDaddy

Alligators nipping at your ass? How to hang in there & enjoy the ride. is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Kindness To Others Is Kindness To Yourself

Alex Webley — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 10:22:17 +0000

Kindness To Others Is Kindness To Yourself is an unusual title for an article about kindness.

And deliberately so.

Intriguing, with an appeal to the selfish side which exists in all of us.

One of the aims of this article is to help the world – and your world – become a better place.

Another is to help you. You see, when we are kind to others as a habit, we are helping ourselves.

We will feel happier, nicer things will happen to us, we will experience less stress and be healthier.

So, what is kindness?

Wikipedia has an entry for kindness which includes:

Kindness is the act or the state of being kind —ie. marked by goodness and charitable behaviour, mild disposition, pleasantness, tenderness and concern for others. It is known as a virtue, and recognized as a value in many cultures and religions (see ethics in religion).

Some words which encapsulate kindness include: courtesy, tenderness, grace, hospitality, tact, sweetness, decency, understanding, tolerance, benevolence, unselfishness, goodness, caring, decency, sympathy and charity/philanthropy.

Have a think about how you can use some of these words to help you become kinder.

Ask yourself how you measure up.

This week – 14th to 20th February – is the Random Acts of Kindness week. More information here on the Random Acts Of Kindness Foundation website. You can follow them on Twitter here: @RAKFoundation and Like them on Facebook here.

You might also like to check out: Australian Kindness Movement, Making a Difference through the Power of Kindness.

Enjoy your day, your week, your month, your year. Be kind.

Kindness To Others Is Kindness To Yourself is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Appalling Mental Health Treatment Of Australian Military Veterans

Alex Webley — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 09:45:42 +0000

Australia does not look after the mental health of its returning military veterans properly.

Have a read of this article:

Diggers abandoned in psychiatric wards

There is loads that I could write about this appalling situation, however I will limit my comments to some key areas of focus.

If we take a step back and ask ourselves who these people are – the members of the Australian Defence Force (ADF).

Members of the ADF are the people who defend us from aggression. From nasty people who want to ‘do it to us’.

The world can be a bad place. In living memory we have seen numerous examples of this. Without the ADF and others like them (our allies), we would be oppressed, perhaps grotesquely.

If we recall World War 2 – we were saved by military people – not politicians. Even Winston Churchill, who was a great statesman, was a former soldier.

Now to a key point:

Because the military saved us, we OWE them the country. In other words, we would not exist as we are today without them. The military, in one sense, OWN the country. When it comes to the crunch, and diplomacy has failed (as it often does), it is by the efforts of the military that we withstand an enemy and keep our lands, our way of life and our freedom.

To ignore the needs of our returning veterans is not only appalling, it is a sign of what an ungrateful bunch of bastards some of us are. It is also a sign of poor thinking and country management.

You see, if you want a good military you have to look after them. How do think they will fight if they think that the country, or government, is not behind them? Clearly, in the current situation, Australian military morale is going to be adversely affected across the board.

Politicians and bureaucrats are actually destroying significant aspects of Australian military fighting capability by failing to care for veterans. Members of the ADF who are not currently afflicted with sickness – physical or mental – will always have this lack of care at the back of their minds; eating away at their morale. Anyone with even a basic understanding of military strategy knows that battles can be won or lost on the basis of morale levels.

Frankly, the situation is further evidence that Australia is increasingly being run by a bunch of uncaring people with limited nouse.

One of the key reasons Hitler lost the war (and thankfully he did) was because he was a politician trying to do the jobs of generals. Another was because he failed to be kind to the peoples he overran and instead created more enemies and stiffer resistance. Politicians and bureaucrats cannot beat natural law. If we do not look after our military, then the ‘bad guys’ will find it easier to ‘do us in’.

Finally, if you have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), or know someone who does, I can help you. Contact me here. I used to suffer from PTSD and I know how to help you.

PTSD causes biological changes in addition to psychological symptoms. The disorder is exacerbated by frequent occurrence together with associated problems including depressive disorders, substance abuse, memory and cognitive problems, other physical problems and mental health issues. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is also connected with impairment of a person’s ability to function in normal family, work, business or social activities, including job instability, marital difficulties and divorces, family disharmony, and problems with parenting.

Appalling Mental Health Treatment Of Australian Military Veterans is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Why YOU should NEVER SWEAT what OTHERS THINK about YOU.

Alex Webley — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 09:43:38 +0000

More great content from Dr Bob Parsons, CEO of Go Daddy, the largest domain registrar in the world..

I encourage you to watch this video – it contains top notch content about how you can enrich and improve your life.

In fact, if you have any of the issues mentioned in the video, I recommend that you watch the video regularly.

I can vouch for what Bob says too. He is spot on.

Just make sure that you take action.

Why YOU should NEVER SWEAT what OTHERS THINK about YOU. is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Child Abuse Victim’s Moving Suicide Story

Alex Webley — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 01:03:55 +0000

Today I came across a shocking story about how a talented programmer (Bill Zeller) killed himself because he could not resolve or heal his internal pain.

His pain – the reason for his suicide – was because some bastard sexually abused him when he was a young child.

The whole situation was severely exacerbated by another, in my view, couple of bastards – his fundamentalist Christian parents. (PS: I was once a Christian fundamentalist minister so I KNOW this type of person and their psychology).

I never knew Bill Zeller of course, however I was deeply upset reading his story. Partly because I feel for people (in ways I never used to), partly because I have deep hatred for the spirit (energy/attitude/thinking) behind child abuse (and also the spirit behind religious pharasaism), and partly because I could have helped him.

I could have helped Bill because, although I was never abused sexually (not that I can recall anyway, apart from an inappropriate forced examination of my penis, (which I don’t think was sexual in intent) by my father (Tony Webley – Charles Webley – Malcolm Webley – M A C Webley)) when I was about 8 or 9) I was physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically abused. Like Bill Zeller, I too felt deadness inside for years and wished I was dead. I was just too scared to kill myself at the time. Unlike in Bill’s case, for me today, it is a different story – though it is the same world. I got healed and today know deep joy. Because I have done it (got healed) myself, I could have led Bill out of his darkness – I never learnt it in a book. It is only those who have been through the fires of battle that can truly teach others of battle.

Bill’s death was unnecessary. I wish I could have loved him back to mental health.

Anyway, here is Bill’s story…

As per the note Bill left at the end of his letter – it is republished in its entirety without alteration.

Bill Zeller
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I’ll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it’s true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don’t want people to wonder why I did this. Since I’ve never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely draw the wrong conclusions.

My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn’t use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it’s less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.

This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It’s the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it’s surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.

At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.

The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I’m trapped in a contimated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can’t concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I’m exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.

Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I’m reminded every morning of what was done to me and the control it has over my life.

I’ve never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying “Hi” or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant. I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.

Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I’m responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.

Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven’t touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There’s no future here. The darkness will always be with me.

I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I’ll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I’m not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.

I didn’t realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn’t stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.

Relationships always started out fine and I’d be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it’d be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.

Relationships didn’t work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn’t help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn’t the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn’t feel “right”. The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn’t attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn’t the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I’m straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.

Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I’d ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren’t so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn’t matter because I couldn’t be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I’d feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn’t stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions. I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It’s likely that things wouldn’t have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn’t have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatability is not enough. Nothing is enough. There’s no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.

So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn’t last because of the darkness and didn’t want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I’ve ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have. This wasn’t apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I’ll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She’s just one more person in a long list of people I’ve hurt.

I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I’ve had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I’ve hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.

I’ve spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.

I’ve told different people a lot of things, but I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don’t care about their word or what they’ve promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don’t blame anyone in particular, I guess it’s just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don’t care who knows.

I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don’t kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don’t know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I’m capable of.

So I’ve realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.

I’m just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there’s nothing I can do to escape it. I don’t know any other existence. I don’t know what life feels like where I’m apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn’t understand and can’t connect with.

I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontimated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.

There’s no point in identifying who molested me, so I’m just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.

You may wonder why I didn’t just talk to a professional about this. I’ve seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I’m positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn’t help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we’d hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it’s her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molestor (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the “friends” who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I’d be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they’re based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrepect for their word and the privacy of others.

People say suicide is selfish. I think it’s selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won’t feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it’s also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.

Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I’m just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I’ve tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can’t fucking take it anymore.

I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant misery. I wonder who I’d be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.

I’m prepared for death. I’m prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.

—-

I’d also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they’re dead—one with less hatred and intolerance.

If you’re unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.

They live in a black and white reality they’ve constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don’t understand that good and decent people exist all around us, “saved” or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.

A random example:

“I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist.” – George Zeller, August 24, 2010.

If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molestors go to Heaven (as long as they were “saved” at some point), that’s your choice, but it’s fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.

Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.

I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she’s Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it’s tiring.

Since being kicked out, I’ve interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what’s been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it’s not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.

I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn’t “saved”, since she believes I’m going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn’t deserve to live. All I know is that I can’t deal with this pain any longer and I’m am truly sorry I couldn’t wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I’ve wished that I’d be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.

—-

To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.

I’m sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can’t understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.

Bill Zeller

—-

Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don’t want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I’m worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don’t mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I’d prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.

Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety.

Good bye Bill, and thank you for your honesty. I’m so sorry.

Source (and painting of Bill Zeller):

The Agonizing Last Words of Programmer Bill Zeller

Child Abuse Victim’s Moving Suicide Story is a post from: Joy Wizard Blog

Joy Wizard » Personal Development

Have You Overcome What Your Parents Did To You? (Poor Parenting)

Poor parenting is a serious problem today.

All that said, I am very fortunate to have had such ghastly parents & received poor parenting!

If you want help with issues that stem from poor parenting, contact me here.

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